


Leaving the things we lost

by HistorieforTeller



Series: No secret left to hide [1]
Category: Red Dead Redemption (Video Games)
Genre: Angst, Blood, Character Death, Javier and John deserve more fanfic, John want to save Javier, M/M, Romance, Sad, True Love, rdr1
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-11-03
Updated: 2020-11-03
Packaged: 2021-03-09 03:56:03
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,169
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27358384
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/HistorieforTeller/pseuds/HistorieforTeller
Summary: « I love you. » He nearly yelled with a broken voice, big tears falling on his cheeks, his shoulders shaking with each sob and Javier’s face fell, going from anger to worry and he hugged the Scottish suddenly, keeping him close to him. John has felt his beating heart, has felt his sorrow arching his body, making it tense. Making them both grab at each other in hope to not have to be separate. To not have to leave the other. To not let their love being ripped apart.
Relationships: Javier Escuella/John Marston
Series: No secret left to hide [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1998139
Comments: 12
Kudos: 12





	Leaving the things we lost

**Author's Note:**

> This has nothing to do with everything I wrote before, it does good to write something else then porn. I needed it, needed to do something different for once.

« Why are you against Dutch? What about loyalty? What about loyalty John! » Javier growled between his teeth, sending hard and threatening glances at John who could only look at him with sadness in his eyes. He didn’t know what he should answer, what he should say to make Javier understand this whole fucked up situation, to make him understand his decisions and positions, why he was arguing with Dutch, why he was standing against him and by consequence, provoking a lot of distrust and paranoia in the gang. And well, even now, he doesn’t know what would have been the best way to explain things to have Javier by his side. Maybe if he had done better, Javier would have been on John’s and Arthur’s side and maybe, just maybe, things would have ended in a better way. But it didn’t. Javier was loyal until the end, Javier chose their leader, chose to remain loyal. Loyal to the one who made it possible that they’ve met. Without Dutch, John would never have met Javier, would have never been able to fall this much in love. God, he loves Javier too much. It hurts even more than any bullet wounds, any broken bones. He’s so in love, even after years of being apart he still loves him like the first day, as if he would never forget his first feelings, his first butterflies in his stomach, as if his first love would be the last. 

But the gang split in two and everything became a mess, everything and everyone fell apart and nothing could be saved. The truth is, it’s Arthur and him who were responsible for the split, as much as Dutch and Micah. That’s what John thinks but he doesn’t know anymore what is true and what is not. He doesn’t even feel hate towards Dutch, doesn’t need to, he doesn’t want or need to have a responsible to feel better about this story. Because if he did, then he should look at himself. Look at what he missed. What he failed. 

_He failed Javier Escuella._

But, despite everything, despite this hellish situation John wanted to convince Javier, he wanted him by his side, he wanted to keep him with him even if it meant to break the gang even more. Or to be blind while facing the reality, not wanting to see that he could never persuade him. He wanted Javier to leave their leader so much, to give his loyalty to John, to follow him and try to create something together, to become decent people. But Dutch was too far gone in Javier’s mind. He made him become crazy, made Javier become only the shadow of what he was once. He destroyed everything that was beautiful and savable in him. The only thing that was left was his blind and absolute loyalty towards the gang, towards Dutch Van Der Linde. And this loyalty is what doomed him, what pushed him and drove him even more in madness and loneliness. His best quality was his curse. And John hates himself for not have been able to save his friend. His lover. So he lost Javier, he had to abandon him, for his wife and kid. They needed him and they still do. And he knew that he had no other choice but to do that when they were arguing to try to convince each other to take their side. 

« If you listened to me for once you would know it! » John said it with more aggressiveness than he wanted and he regretted it, his throat becoming very tight, tears wanting to fall freely on his face. But he couldn’t. « Dutch will kill us all and you know it! You know that it’s the end, that he has no plan. » He started the argument again, trying to sound convincing while praying silently God to make Javier hear the voice of reason. At that moment, it wasn’t too late for John, in his head their love could still save the outlaw and make him leave with him. « And so what? I leave the gang for you, I leave the one who gave me a new family to have what? To go to what John? To become a part of _your_ family? To live with your wife and son? That sounds stupid, Abigail will never let me live with you, never let me have you. Never did and will never do. » 

John’s heart broke that day because he knew that their love came to an end at that very moment. He was too late. He made the wrong choice. He should have done things differently. Now, he just lost Javier once and for all but he couldn’t accept it, he could never do it. He has never. And will never.

But now. Now what was left ? What was left of them, the _us_ they were one day, some months, even some years. The happy days are gone, the ones they loved have been left behind or are dead, with or without goodbyes. And John can’t save his love, he had to choose between his lover and his family and Javier forced him to abandon him, he left him to die. So he left him to his damned future too. He can’t save his love. He can’t. That makes him so angry now and then, angry and so, so fucking sad. « I love you. » He nearly yelled with a broken voice, big tears falling on his cheeks, his shoulders shaking with each sob and Javier’s face fell, going from anger to worry and he hugged the Scottish suddenly, keeping him close to him. John has felt his beating heart, has felt his sorrow arching his body, making it tense. Making them both grab at each other in hope to not have to be separate. To not have to left the other. To not let their love being ripped apart. 

« I love you. » Javier murmured it against John’s ear and it was like a lullaby, soothing him while rocking him slowly, his face pressing against John’s neck, his breath caressing his skin just as if everything was fine. That was just another argument they had like the ones they have every night since a moment now. Always reconciling with kisses and touches. But this time was different, they both knew it. They both lose. So John closed his eyes so hard, wanting to forget everything else. To make it a nightmare. And it is. But an awaken one. 

_Say you’ll still be by my side_

He can still feel Javier against him, can still feel his tears wetting his flesh, his heart bumping loudly against his, his lips brushing softly against his collar bone, his eyes creating big holes filled with void in his soul. If only he could have taken his hand that day and make them both run far away from the gang, from their family, from John’s family. Maybe if he had chosen Javier instead of Abigail and Jack he wouldn’t have to do that. Now he fears the last fall, he fears his wake up and the hard revelation of what he has to do to save his own. He fears to see the truth, the ugly truth of what he has become. What they have become. He knows he has to do it, to save innocent peoples life, maybe even to save himself, to save his soul at any cost. If only the end he had to make created a beginning. If only he wasn’t so afraid of the fall, of the ground, of the world. Maybe, maybe he could face everything. Maybe he could have kept him alive. Kept them alive. But he’s so scared, he can’t open his eyes, doesn’t want to. Doesn’t want to see his monsters, doesn’t want to see his broken trust, his complete loss, how could he stand his act, how could he live with that? His face his so wet, so humid, it’s soaked by tears, sweat and dirt. 

He finally takes the decision to open his eyes and look at Javier who’s watching the night sky practically peacefully, and he wonders what’s on his mind. He wonders if he regrets his decisions, if he regrets to have left John alone, to have left him to die. If he’s still caught in two spits, if he is still wandering between two him, two visions of himself, if his dreams are still stronger than what he truly needs. Does he think about John now that they have found each other again? He knows that they will reconcile one day. But not today. Not here. He will have to wait again because for now, he can’t bear the sight of him, can’t look at him without crying more, without trying to clean off the blood on his face even if in the end, he doesn’t remove it but on the contrary, spreads it more on it. 

There’s nowhere left to hide for them, never been like John hoped. Their love was maybe what cursed them even if he thought that it was a gift, a bless at first, the proof that God exists somewhere, and even if he knows that their love was doomed, he can’t accept it. He can’t. So he cries on the corpse, gripping at it with as much strength as the last time they hugged each other but with so much more dismay, despair, like his whole world is crashing, as if the earth can’t turn without him alive and maybe it’s more John who doesn’t want it to do it without Javier. « God, what did I do? I’m so sorry. So sorry. » There is no beating heart, no tickling breathing, no smile, no tender hand patting John’s hair, no soft kiss. Nothing is left. John takes it. Takes it all. And Javier gave him everything that was left to him. 

It’s as if he can’t breathe anymore, the air is too thin, too poisonous, he’s choking by breathing but he can’t stop crying, can’t stop to hurt himself by watching Javier’s empty eyes. And that look will haunt him at night until the day he dies, all this void and nothing in it, all this lifelessness is twisting his guts and making him want to puke. But he can’t look back. He can’t go back. He made his choice and it ended with all these dead. 

The ones they loved and left are dead, murdered by him. In the end Abigail was wrong, he’s not better, he just tries to become a decent human being harder than them. That’s the only difference. It doesn’t mean that he’s succeeding at what he wanted to be. He’s just like Dutch, Bill and Javier, he wanted something that he isn’t, and look at him, there is nothing left. He left everything that he loved, he lost everyone who loved him. Now he has to make his goodbyes, he has to leave this corpse to Ross’ men and he can already feel the fall and the hard crash of reality. He has to transport Javier to deliver him, he has to wipe off his tears and sorrow, has to make it as if he doesn’t feel anything and as if he’s stronger than this. Whatever _this_ is. He can’t look back. There is nothing left for him back there, only pain and remorse, only shadows and flames and maybe a glimpse of hope while drowning in sweet memories and so, never going back to the surface. He will suffocate until death. Maybe he doesn’t want to know a world without Javier, without an _us_ , without them. Without the gang. Maybe what he truly wanted was to die with the others when he had the chance, to stay with family. But he’s a torn man, he’s stuck between two families and he choose the one for whom he will sacrifice everything else, including him. 

So he knows what he has to do, he has to make his last goodbyes, kiss his lover one last time and to put him on his horse and ride until he has no breath left and empties his head while giving his friend, his family, his love to the Pinkerton and save his wife and son who deserve a better life. More than him or Javier, or Dutch, Bill or even Arthur. Because they are innocent people. Real innocent people. Normal people. Just a mother and her child trying to survive. But when he gives the corpse to the men, he can’t stop thinking that he should have buried Javier himself and not let them have the pleasure to see the dead man. He’s furious and broken while watching them go back to BlackWater with Javier’s corpse, his eyes still open, still looking at the sky. Did they ever see it coming? Could they have imagined or have any clue that would have tried to warn them about their fate? 

_Well, in the end, it’s just hurtful._

**Author's Note:**

> Yeah, never write something so quickly and so short but it's the one that I like the most.


End file.
